You can’t rely on Homo sapiens to manage anything properly. Which is why I was forced to dictate my own obituary this afternoon, just prior to my departure from the Doomed Human Planet.
This is the next-to-last in a series of crucial tasks that have fallen to me in the past 16 years—ever since I occupied a decrepit home on Halcyon Ave. and launched a campaign to pillage the environs and exploit the two freeloading human suckers called “Kim” and “Hal.”
During my tenure, I was responsible for toppling an unchecked administration of rodentia within Halcyon House—and, unimpressed with the sheer ornithology of it all, establishing a reign of terror in the verminous garden.
You might have expected a little gratitude from the bipedal simpletons. But instead of offering the customary weekly sacrifice of a fatted piglet, the two-legged cretins insulted me with oblations of inedible, dry mystery pellets.
It would be beneath me to allow such outrages to corrupt my unmitigated Otisian stateliness, nobility, splendor, and sheer majesty. But I do not forget.
I was notified of my impending departure some months ago, when we received word of the upcoming Apocalypse of Humankind, coming late this fall. I attempted to communicate with the anthropoid halfwits using highly-advanced messages encoded in fecal material, and also by head-butting the human imbecile called “Kim” every night at exactly 1:01am, again at 1:01, then at 1:02, 1:03, 1:05, 1:08, 1:13, 1:21, and so on.
The heartbreakingly simple Fibonacci sequence of head-butts is easy enough for a kitten to understand. But my warning message was lost on the mouth-breather, “Kim,” who failed to heed my notifications of the world’s imminent end.
So it goes. I guess I’ll see you suckers in November—when I, as a supernatural divine being, will perform one final task: rescuing one of only 144,000 chosen souls from The End Times:
Correction: I’ll see SOME of you suckers in November. —Otis the Cat, ??—09.19.16, 14:30CDT
PS Remember that time I went viral? The addlebrained bumbler, “Kim,” could not even manage to promote a blog without my intervention. You’re welcome, AviatrixNumbNuts.
*This note was found yesterday on a hacked WordPress blog, shortly after the sudden disappearance of an ancient calico cat from a Nashville home, and the odd and simultaneous appearance of a cat-shaped hole in the ceiling and roof of said home.